He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
