Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
