I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
