As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
