when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
