nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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