I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
