Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
