this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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