Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
