BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
