Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
