one might say we're banned from that church
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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