I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
