I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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