Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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