So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
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