We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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