I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
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I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.