Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.