this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
