She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just found puke in my bra..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
