He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
