Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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