I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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