Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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