I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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