TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize