when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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