did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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