Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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