your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
