Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
