Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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