i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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