Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it's like iHOP with fire
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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