i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
