your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
