Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Buhtt sex?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
