who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
