I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
