Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
