I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
