By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions