ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Is Oprah even human
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!