im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
