I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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