i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.