he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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