I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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