I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
