Just fell off a train. Bad.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
