My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
