you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
