last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
